sorry, i type it in size 14 font, and this is what 14 is here. just get used to scrolling, thats all i can say. or wear sunglasses. sorry i cant be of more help.

its a good thing i like big fonts, as long as i blink a bit more than ussually

Phew! Finally finished the thing. I liked it as a fan fict but if you're seriously considering having this published, it'll need some work.

First I need to address my concern with the pace of the story. You seem to being at one, and it is very fast. Slow things down a bit, and try to even intervals of relative tranquility followed by acceleration. Do this and your story won't wear out the reader till they're numb by the time they get to the good stuff.

Second is the unorginality of the characters. Sure archtypes are good when you're doing something simple or a comedy but from what I can tell you're trying to create a drama. My tip is to spend some time thinking of how to make lead characters stand out before you commit them to the story. For example make the Vasari leader truly alien, perhaps having his entire spiel be through non-verbal senses and actions. A slight tremor in some part of his carapace might mean outrage for example.

I'd like to also point out the danger of what you're doing with Kol by making him a supersoldier. With that you run the risk of creating an object rather than a character. This is done so by making him super powerful and in some ways ungodly. The more screen time your characters have the more flawed, and therefore interesting they should be. Your character Zeke is step in the right direction, so you should draw off that experience when refining your leads.

One finale point on the characters is to give them unfamiliar is readible names. This helps smooth over reader misidentification with unrelated individuals. For help just get a baby book for names and look for something you can say with ease but is one you know little people to have.

Getting back to my main concerns is number three, which is a deep universe. With most fan fictions you have one already, but with sins all we have is the stuff in the manual, lore, and into. This means you're going to have a lot of work on you're hand describing the universe around your characters. They're going to have to decent descriptions too as the better they are, the more the reader can connect. You get what I'm saying? Reading you're story though good, left me with no idea on you're interpretation of the literal sin's universe.

All in all your story is good but has a lot of room for improvement. Please don't let my harsh words discourage you. The more you write, the better you get.

im going to keep all this in mind when I'm editing part 1 and writing new chapters, thank you. id like ur continued opinions on the new chapters i write as well. I hate long descriptions in books, and you can see that in my writing, as I have little to no description at all. but I guess I'll have to suck it up and write it out, for the sake of the story. ah well.

just to add something to keep everyone entertained, i started a different post to play a sort of mind game with the Sins community, and I couldn't help but push Sinners into that as well. and then I went ahead and put in a major spoiler/teaser for late part 2-early part 3. a humungous climax point in sinners. go ahead and check it out HERE!

I have a question, what up with the aaa thing at the begining of each paragraph? (   )

Edit: Its not in the later parts but the early parts have it.

can u copy an example for me? i dont understand.

This is from the begining of Sinners:

    As with all empires, the Vasari civilization's fall began from within.

And its all like that until the last few posts.

I watching the intro today instead of usually skipping it and noticed something wrong with you story. Wasn't kol's son born the year the vasari invaded? Or are disregarding that and making cool a totally different guy than the man in the intro? Smiles make everything better!

wats wrong with that again? aaa? i dont understand that.

and ha, yeah, i messed around with kol's kid's age. it wouldn't work with where my story was going so....o well. hope you all don't mind so much.

You dont see that? Theres this: ááá at the begining of each paragraph. Maybe its just on my end.

You could always say he has two sons...

yeah I'm not seeing it...what browser are you using? Firefox is the only one the forums works for me.

true true

yeah, maybe you could have his 10 year old son killed during the Fall of Neave?, cos i think Neave was probably dead... with all those radiances in orbit lol